Things Lance Says


I have a running list in my phone of things Lance says that crack me up, and I only wish I remembered to write more of them down. Here’s a tiny sampling with my personal favorite at the very end. Enjoy!

Lance, referring to one of his classmates: “She was wearing this hideous thing on her head, I don’t even know how to describe it. I could look it up online, but I don’t even know what I’d search … ‘flowers on head?'”

I meal plan and write the grocery list, and Lance buys the groceries. This conversation was when I was making white chicken chili and asked Lance why he bought so many cans of beans …

Lance: “You had on the paper to use one can, or two.”

Chels: “For the recipe? Yeah. I’m talking about the grocery list.”

L: “No, that’s what you had on the grocery list.”

C: “So you bought six cans of beans?”

L: “No, let me show you. That’s what you wrote.”

C: (gets list) “It says: two cans of white beans: navy and cannellini.”

L: “No. No, look up here.” (takes list)

C: “You bought six cans of beans. I don’t know how you got six from that. Four I could see, but six? I have no idea how you interpreted that.”

L: (laughing hysterically) I don’t know.


Chels: “This park has tons of black birds. I wonder why that is.”

Lance: “Ah it’s just a good environment for them. They’ve got the trees, power lines, Buffalo Wild Wings.”


And some one-liners …

“To make rice and beans, I gotta learn that. I guess you just … make rice … and beans …”

“Is this going to mess up my hands?” (holding up Barkeepers Friend cleaning stuff)

“I-83 N, great. Now I gotta do more Paul Walker shit.” (cuts across multiple lanes)

“I hope I get more updates about it, because I give a whole bunch of shits about it.”

“I swear this toaster has an agenda of its own.”

“Beet cake. This is like something from Dwight Schrute’s farm.”


Watching This Is Us …

Chels: “What’s she eating, ugh!”

Lance: “It’s a box of those white powdered donuts. God, they’re good. I ate a whole box before. A long time ago. If I did that now I’d probably puke my brains out.”



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